Your Awkward Voice Matters

Imperfect male allyship beats silence

🌸 ikigai 生き甲斐 is a reason for being, your purpose in life - from the Japanese iki 生き meaning life and gai 甲斐 meaning worth 🌸

Some days, the weight of silence suffocates as cut-throat behaviour masquerades as leadership, empathy seen as weakness, as if real power couldn't survive alongside a caring heart.

Some days, you have to laugh rather than cry else you might not stop, assertiveness in women labelled as ‘aggression’ (or hormones *eyeroll*) but we don’t always have enough energy for the constant mental calculus of how to be heard without being dismissed as difficult.

Some days, the sadness of the apparently normalised imbalance and let’s face it, levels of violence, against women and girls, both online and off, makes us want to scream until our throats are raw.

But most days, I try really hard to stay balanced and measured. To not let the fear or fire of frustration consume me or spill over into every conversation. To remember that many of the men in my life are genuinely good humans who want to help.

It's just... where are you in these conversations, friends?

The Silence is Deafening

Every time I read or write about gender equity, the comments are full of thoughtful responses from women. We share experiences, strategies, and support; a beautiful sisterhood of understanding and shared frustration *grin*

But half the population is missing from these conversations. The silence is deafening.

The empty comment sections the inverse of what we see in boardrooms and governments, spaces where women's voices remain scarce. And as AI reshapes our world, this imbalance feels heavier and scarier than ever.

The people developing the systems that could transform everyone's lives? Predominantly male.

And when we build without diverse input, we create systems that work brilliantly for some and fail others. Caroline Criado Perez’s book Invisible Women lays out the consequences of this male default thinking. Consider car safety; crash test dummies are modelled on the average male body, meaning women are 47% more likely to be seriously injured in a car crash and 17% more likely to die.

From car safety to medication dosages, when we design without considering everyone's needs, we end up with systems that work brilliantly for some and leave others vulnerable.

This isn’t about fairness, it’s survival.

Male-as-default thinking creates real problems.

Breaking through together

I get it - these conversations can feel like walking through a minefield. Maybe you worry about saying the wrong thing. Remembering accusations of mansplaining.

Perhaps you don't see it as "your" issue. Some might feel defensive when we share our experiences.

The thing is, the men in my life DO care about these issues when we chat one to one. They want their daughters to have every opportunity. They feel sick hearing about women feeling unsafe walking home. They shake their heads at the crime statistics or pay gaps.

Yet this concern rarely translates into public engagement or active advocacy. The fear of getting it wrong seems to outweigh the potential good of speaking up, however imperfectly.

An ikigai perspective

When I mapped out my 12 Favourite Problems, gender equity landed firmly at number one. Not just because I'm a woman, but because it can also perfectly map to the four elements of hatarakigai (work worth doing);

• What you love (creating positive change)

• What you're good at (building bridges, fostering dialogue)

• What the world needs (balanced representation in shaping our future)

• What you can be paid for (consulting on inclusive system design)

As AI transforms work, we have a golden opportunity to rebuild systems with equity woven into their DNA. But we need ALL voices in this conversation, especially the awkward, unsure ones trying their best to understand and help.

A gentle invitation

We need spaces where everyone feels safe asking questions and sharing perspectives. Where we can acknowledge that none of us have all the answers, but we're willing to learn and grow together.

To my male friends reading this… your voice matters, even (especially) when you're not sure what to say. Perfect silence helps no one. Imperfect allyship moves us all forward.

If you're wondering what that actually looks like, here are a few small but powerful actions:

➡ Amplify women's voices in meetings, let them speak and give credit where it’s due

➡ Call out bias when you see it, even if it feels uncomfortable because you NOT doing so can make us feel like half the world is trying to gaslight us

➡ Educate yourself on gender inequity, without expecting women to do the emotional labour for you

➡ Share posts like this, even if you don’t have the perfect words yet

A male friend who helped me shape this essay said that maybe comments sections aren’t safe spaces, so if you prefer to DM please do so, but also remember that the DM has more often been abused than used appropriately by men to women, so don’t be surprised if others don’t respond to you!

I'd love to hear your thoughts, what makes these conversations challenging? What would help you feel more comfortable engaging? Let's chat in the comments!

Sarah, seeking ikigai xxx

PS - Here are some journal prompts to explore your relationship with these conversations;

1. When did you first become aware of gender imbalance? How did it make you feel?

2. What fears hold you back from engaging more openly?

3. What small step could you take this week toward being a more active ally?

PPS - For the bullet journal enthusiasts, try creating a spread titled "Building Bridges" draw and map out;

• Spaces where you notice gender imbalance

• Ideas for making conversations more inclusive

• Small actions you could take today

• People who might join you in creating change

PPPS - This song feels right for breaking silences and speaking up...

Quiet by MILCK, the Women's March anthem; "I can't keep quiet, for anyone, anymore"

Neither should any of us 💕

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PPPPS - I am now going to break the 4th wall and explain a little more about the process this essay took.

I attended the brilliant Full Cycle Workshop over the last 7 weeks, where Harrison Moore led us through a fab exploration of lots of different aspects of the ideation, drafting, writing, editing and publishing thing.

We were encouraged to come up with a new topic to write about, or something that we have been struggling with and above all to have a mindset of curiosity and honesty, rather than already having our minds made up.

The issue of gender inequity is often top of mind for me, and I don’t think I have a closed mind on this topic, but I’m also scared to write about it.

Writing is a way to learn, to explore the questions we have and the things we are unsure about, especially if we try to approach it without an agenda!

I went from a brainstorm on the broad topic of gender inequality one week and listing out questions I may want to explore in the future via interviews, to writing a low stakes first draft as a whats app message to a mate, through to a draft in a form I don’t usually use which was a listicle, before hitting upon the essay you now see which was a softening from a possible more inflammatory thesis I was toying with; “I believe most men's inaction on gender inequality comes from obliviousness rather than malice, and that's both hopeful and frustrating”.

This is where the beauty of learning in a cohort comes into it’s own, we are put in break outs, and my thinking was soundly challenged by others which was fabulous as it made me look at the contrarian and opposing argument positions. My thesis and tone changed for the better I think, and also in reflecting about whether we would ‘die on the hill’ for what we had to say, I came to a position that felt more me, but also maintaining a flash of the anger I can feel at times on this topic.

By the time I read aloud a draft of this piece to a partner from the course, it was so lovely to get human feedback about areas I could work on, but to be told they were blown away by the warmth and that it felt like an older sister gently talking to them, was a balm to my soul - I just hope that warmth still shines through without my verbal intonation (note to self, do I start back up recording them as podcasts too?)