Why Don't We Have Job Descriptions for Love?

T&Cs and contracting for clarity in communication

🌸 ikigai 生き甲斐 is a reason for being, your purpose in life - from the Japanese iki 生き meaning life and gai 甲斐 meaning worth 🌸

Valentine's Day has me thinking about love in all its forms. Not just romantic love, but what we feel for family, friends, and even our work. Yet it's strange that we rarely use the word "love" in professional settings, even when it's the force driving our best work and strongest connections.

We often spend 40 hours a week with our colleagues, and have detailed contracts spelling out exactly how that relationship is supposed to work. Job descriptions. KPIs. Regular performance reviews. Clear expectations (mostly, ahem!) about everything from tasks to number of days holiday you can take.

But when it comes to the people we actually love? Radio silence on the contract front.

We often assume love should be intuitive, that if someone truly cares about us, they'll just know what we need. But how many relationships have fractured, not because of a lack of love, but because of unspoken expectations?

Are we putting our loved ones through tests they don’t even know they are taking?

At work, I can say "I need this report by Thursday, and I'll need an hour of your time to review it together". Totally normal. But try bringing that same clarity home: "I need 30 minutes to decompress when I get home before we talk about our days". Suddenly it feels weird, like we're somehow making love too regimented ... or contractual maybe?

Making expectations explicit doesn’t diminish the magic of love. It creates the safety that allows that magic to properly flourish. It’s the difference between hoping someone catches you when you fall and knowing they will. Both might look like trust, but only one lets you truly relax into the fall.

This idea of clarity being an act of love isn’t just for romantic relationships, it applies to parenting, friendships, and the way we communicate in everyday life.

In seeking ikigai, our reason for being, relationships play a central role. Whether with family, friends, or partners, these connections form the absolute foundation of a purposeful life. Yet we often leave the terms of these vital relationships unspoken, hoping others will somehow read our minds and understand our needs. What if we're missing out by not having "job descriptions" for our relationships? Not cold, corporate documents, but clear, loving agreements about what we need from each other.

Look at parenting, that's actually one place where we do sometimes use clear contracts, even if we don't call them that. When I tell my daughter "if you don't tidy your room, you can't go out", that's a contract. It's not cold or unloving, it's the opposite. Those clear boundaries can make her feel secure as she knows exactly where she stands.

Think about friendships too. How often do we tie ourselves in knots over unanswered messages, worried we're being bad friends when really we're just having a neurodivergent moment and can't find the words to express that? What if we made it easier on ourselves and just had a shorthand for "I love you, my brain is being tricky, will reply properly soon"? To borrow from my journal intention for 2025, what would friendship look like if we made it EASY?

I can hear some of you pushing back ".. doesn't this make love transactional? Aren't we turning relationships into business deals?" Relationships are already full of transactions. Every time you expect your partner to remember your birthday, your friend to show up when you're down, or your sibling to call round more often, that's an unspoken transaction. The problem isn't the existence of expectations, it's in leaving them unspoken and then feeling hurt when they go unfulfilled. Especially in lashing out without warning or any build up.

A contract won’t reduce the magnificence of love to a checklist, but it might help you make sure love is expressed in ways that actually land.

Duty and loyalty and kindness might be seen as dull, but I think they can be everything.

So what would a relationship job description actually look like? Not some formal document you sign (though hey, if that works for you, go for it hehe), but explicit conversations about;

🌸 What each person needs to feel loved and supported

🌸 How you'll handle conflicts when they arise

🌸 What your non-negotiables are

🌸 How you'll check in with each other regularly

🌸 What success looks like in your relationship

This clarity serves something deeper than just avoiding misunderstandings. It creates psychological safety, the foundation for authentic connection. When we know where we stand with someone, we can be fully present without anxiety about unstated expectations or hidden resentments.

When we look at this through the lens of hatarakigai (work worth doing), creating clear relationship contracts touches everything that makes work and life meaningful;

- What we LOVE (building deeper, more intentional connections)

- What we're GOOD at (communicating our needs clearly)

- What the WORLD NEEDS (stronger, more resilient relationships)

- What we can be VALUED for (being reliable and intentional in our care for others)

Here's my invitation to you; Take 10 minutes today to draft a simple job description for one of your relationships. What are your core needs? Your boundaries? Your ideal ways of handling conflict? Don't worry about making it perfect, just start getting those unspoken expectations onto paper.

If you need help then start with these prompts;

• "I feel most loved when…"

• "It’s really important to me that…"

• "One thing I struggle with is…"

And if you’re feeling bold, share it with someone! Let’s make love easier and more magical by making sure it thrives in the ways that matter most.

Because love isn't about mind reading. It's about showing up intentionally for the people in our lives, in the specific ways they've told us they need. And sometimes, that starts with a job description.

Sarah, seeking ikigai xxx

PS - Still feeling stuck? Try starting with these reflection prompts in your journal;

1. What's one expectation you've never explicitly voiced in a close relationship?

2. What's one boundary you wish you'd set earlier?

3. What would your ideal "performance review" conversation with a loved one look like?

PPS - I've clearly been thinking about the intersection of work and love for a long time! Many many years ago when single and doing the online dating thing, I wrote a poem imagining a job posting for a partner. Looking back, it’s funny how much of what I valued then still holds true now *grin*

The Vacancy Reads Lover

Not looking for a saviour i can do that on my own
The vacancy reads lover

The role requires you to;
love, respect, treat kindly, hug, kiss and satisfy

You don't need qualifications in;
cooking, cleaning, buying flowers, asking permission to go to the pub

The role will not often involve nagging or haranguing
But will often involve chilling and laughing

The right person will be remunerated

If this sounds like you apply within